Good Little Catholic Girl

So I had surgery yesterday, not the best day of my life. Basically they took out my tonsils and did what I guess would be called exploratory surgery to make sure that my lymph nodes and neck in general has no other reason to make me sick again. Yea, not fun at all. I woke up while still intubated, meaning that I had a tube down my throat and for those who don't know, it's a horrible feeling and scared the living crap out of me. They said that I had to have it in for a little longer while I woke up because I "wasn't strong enough to breathe on my own yet." Really comforting to hear, right?

After I got home I basically passed out all of yesterday and now I'm fully awake but in a lot of pain. Seriously, I don't think I've ever been in this much pain! Vicadin has become my best friend in the world; only way I can manage to swallow anything.

So yea, this blog is devoted to me complaining about being in pain and scared shitless of hospitals. Sorry guys! Oh, and if you want to talk to me you can call but I won't be answering as I can't talk at all. So leave a message and I'll either text, IM, or email you back! If any of you have aim my sn is smurfC05 so talk to me! Hopefully I'll be back to my normal crazy self in two weeks!

Friend:

acquaintance, ally, alter ego, amigo, associate, bedfellow, blocker, boon companion, bosom buddy, brother, buddy, chum, classmate, cohort, colleague, companion, compatriot, comrade, confrere, consort, countryman, cousin, crony, familiar, fellow, intimate, kissing cousin, little brother, main man, main squeeze, mate, other self, pal, partner, playmate, roommate, schoolmate, sidekick, sister, soul mate, spare, well-wisher

Today is officially the last day I will be a teenager. How freaking scary is that? Tomorrow at 1:25am I turn 20. I am really not okay with this. Tomorrow I will be viewed as an adult, not a child anymore but instead a girl in her 20's. Can I even refer to myself as a girl still? Am I a young woman? I can't be just a woman, I'm still young right? Am I still allowed to be immature or does not being a teenager take that all away? Do I magically just turn into this mature adult tomorrow morning, ready to wear panty hose, skirts below the knees, ready to work a 9-5 job?

Not only am I losing the right to be an immature teen, but I'm not even getting anything in return. Yea, I'm now an adult in the world's view, but as I've already pointed out that is not a good thing. Yes, I know that officially your an adult on your 18th birthday, but no one expects you to act like one. Now I'll be 20, have to hide being immature, and I don't even get to drink legally for another year! They should at least add the drinking part, soften the blow a bit. I'd be fine with you taking away my youth if only I could go out and get drunk legally at bars. (Yes I just sounded like an alcoholic, but I'm in college I'm allowed to sound like one)

In conclusion I'd like to say that turning 20 is not something I want to do, and therefore I will not do it! I will remain 19 for one more year, and in that year will be as immature as possible and just enjoy being a teenager. Then, next year, at exactly 1:25am on Dec 6th, I will turn 21. Then, and only then, will I admit to not being a teenager, consent to being viewed as an adult, and celebrate it all by getting completely and legally smashed to high heavens. I think that sounds like an awesomely good time to me, y'all should join me.

oh, and as a last bit of a note, how sad is it that I had a half hour arguement with my father on whether I was born on the 6th or the 7th, shouldn't he remember as he was there and I was just in the process of living?

sorry, one last thing, I promise this is it, I get back into Boulder on the 8th, y'all should give me a call cause I sense I'll be overly bored, though I might be comatose as I possibly will be going from clubbing all night straight to the airport.....fantastic idea I know

K, I'm offically done, love you all and happy holidays!

I hate confrontation, and yet that's what I have to do in a little over two hours, confront someone. It's either going to go well and I'll find out my answer or it's going to go horribly. Either way the friendship is basically dead so I really can't make things that much worse, I hope.

My mom comes next Thursday. That'll be oh so much fun. And yes, that is indeed sarcasm for you, I haven't completely lost my sense of humor. Please, I beg of you, someone get me incredibly drunk next Sunday after she leaves.

Okay, done ranting and complaining. I swear I'm so much more normal than this blog makes me out to be!

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you..

So lots of shit has happened since last I wrote, but not actually going to talk about any of it sorry. Decided to take a purity test just to see how bad I've become since last time. Last I took it I was around 90% pure, given this was about a year ago. Well, I'm still pretty darn pure, believe it or not. Now I'm at 78.4%. Go me I guess....need to actually do work now....

Went out to a club last night, very fun. My body is a bit pissed at me today though, I swear I have the knees of 60 year old woman!God though, it felt so good to just go out and dance, forgetting everything that is on my mind! Even though it all came back and hit me while driving back, still worth it. Talked to someone I thought I would never want to hear from again on the way back, still trying to figure out if it's a good thing or not. At least I'm in the process of putting to rest one of the bigger problems, hope it all just goes away after this weekend. Yea, two people know what I'm talking about, too much to explain. I am so tired right now though, I need some more sleep and then it's off to breezeway fun tonight!

So....it seems my body has a mind of its very own. Went to the ENT (ear nose and throat doctor) to make sure my tonsils didn't need to come out, she said everything looked fine and I wouldn't have to have the surgery unless it happened again. Well, guess what happened! That night the right side of my throat started to hurt and now it is a bit swollen and even more sore. So, as I hate doctors and wish to not have surgery, I've taken matters into my own hands. I'm trying to medicate myself and make it go away, stupid I know but it could work. If it gets worse by tomorrow I'll probably be forced to give up and call the doctor, but til then I remain hopeful.

Most loneliest day of my life. Starting to give up hope on those innocent wishes. Always told the worst is over but it never truly leaves. Been here so long that it's time to move on. Just want to swing life away. Please just don't look, don't see what I don't want you to see. Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. Have to risk it all, so much for the dagger and shield, it's all useless without the armor. Nothing else to change my mind, it's done. This is the first and last time. Just breathe. Can only allow one at a time, not yet that bold. The few who could see are gone, it comforts me. Soaked through the page, like it fed on it. Desperate for change, starving for truth. Just carry on, don't mourn, rejoice. Into the darkness, hold on, waiting to fall. Someday there will be nothing else to weather and then it'll be truly fine. Thoughts of it all keep me awake. All these thoughts are never resting. Turned my back on all of it, only way to survive. Take the memories, I don't need them. Not even remembering who I am, all of what he was is gone. Miss the hugs, the jokes, even the pancakes. The necklace reminds me of who I need to be, who was before me. Never realized how much I depended on the armor.

So I just got out of the hospital, oh so much fun. Had to go in last night cause the left side of my throat was completely swollen so it kinda was making it a bit too difficult for me to swallow. So three rounds of antibiotics and 17 hours later I was let go with the knowlegde that the left side of my tonsils are infected. At least I have prescriptions for not only antibiotics, but for steriods and heavy duty painkillers as well.
But, yeah, that's my story.

Gah I leave in about two weeks! I've been wanting to get out of this place since I got back and now I'm kinda sad, though thoroughly excited. Summer has been interesting, worked my ass off trying to get as much money as possible, this has also led me to hate a lot of people. Mainly stupid people. Seriously, do people seriously think that I have nothing better to do than be their personal shopper! For God's sake I work at Ross! I will only say this one more time, birds should not be allowed in a store, especially when I have to check you out and can't stand having the bird come near me! Argh!

Okay, feeling better. Other than work, life has been pretty good. Somehow I've gone against my preaching about the stupidity of getting involved with someone when you both know ya gotta leave. Ya, don't know exactly how that will end when I leave. Oh well, as long as we have fun til then it doesn't really matter.

On a final note, go see Clerks 2! Hella good movie, seriously, you have to see it, if not for me, then for Pillow Pants. That's right, Pillow Pants, it's by far the funniest thing I've heard of in years, once you've seen it you'll understand. For ya'll in St Augustine, I'll be back on the 23rd so give me a call then, come check out the new apartment and new car (being bought within one week of getting back, how the hell do I do that when I don't know anything about cars?????)